One of the best things in my life, I think, is the fact that my dad lives two hours away. Not because this reduces the amount of time I get to see him, but because it means when we drive over together we get two hours to just chat and catch up. Don't get me wrong, I would love my dad to live closer. It would mean I get to see him more often. But then, I feel that making the effort to come over is much more special and even relaxing than just being able to pop in whenever. I took two extra days off so I could have four days to spend with my family. :) Today is day one, and I slept until almost 11, and now I'm curled up on my dad's couch with my computer and a blanket. Doesn't get more comfortable than this. :)

Later this evening my sister, brother in law and nieces are coming over as well. The girls love their Papa so much, it's pretty adorable. Plus, who doesn't love hanging out with a couple of adorable little girls?!

Aaron and I had a pretty upsetting conversation the other day, but since then we've been really great. I don't know exactly how things like that happen (the fighting or the unspoken apologies). All I know for sure is that when we finally get married, we'll be fine. He really, truly is my best friend, and it definitely shows when we fight. Ha.



I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
Psalm 31:7

 

The last few days have been pretty great. I'm still having a hard time believing that things can go so well.

I'm not in my first week of college, or my last, first week of college. I'm not getting married, I'm not having a baby, and I'm not starting a new life. But I am finally enjoying my life.

My last two days at work I managed to get early outs (which basically just means I got to go home early because we were super slow). The unusual thing about going home early the last two days wasn't the fact that it's uncommon to get early outs two work days in a row. Or even that I got an early out when I put in for it the same morning. But the fact that I didn't act as reclusive as normal.

Aaron had invited me over on Saturday, and of course I accepted, but when I got out of work hours before expected, and he was working until 6pm, I had no choice but find something to fill my time. My first idea was to just go to Barnes & Noble and find a few good books to read the time away. However, when I arrived at Northgate Mall two things went through my head. First, I did NOT want to walk to the other side of the mall, get all comfy and just have to get up an hour later and walk all the way back. And second, I really needed a pair of waterproof tennis shoes (I live in Seattle, for goodness sake).  So instead of curling up and doing what I would choose to do 9 out of 10 chances, I braved the busy (well not really busy), florescent lit halls that are the Northgate Mall.

I started my shopping experience in Macy's. I normally don't shop there due to the fact that their pricing is pretty high and I don't really know my way around the one at Northgate. But, I braved the unknown and found my way, eventually, to the intimate apparel section to look for that all needed new bra. I ended up finding two and some other under garments as well.

Feeling pretty good about myself, and Macy's, I headed over to their shoe department in search of those much needed tennies. I walked between tables of high heeled, strappy, clunky and otherwise unattractive shoes only to discover my original opinion of Macy's held true. Everything was overpriced and underwhelming. So with a bit of my hope dashed I ventured back out to the spacious halls of the mall.

I don't know Northgate Mall well, so I just headed off in one direction, did a couple circles, walked up and down a few halls, and downright almost got myself lost, before I found what I was looking for. And then, the Sketchers store was just there, shining with it's white fixtures and brightly dressed employees. Now, I'm not really the type to shop at a store marketed to a specific brand, and I also haven't seen a female pair of Sketchers that I found attractive since middle school, but something drew me in. Aaron just recently purchased a pair of Sketchers and I was hoping that I could find something I actually liked, even though I really wanted his shoes, in my size. But I took a few walks around and finally decided on a pair of simple black shoes, with just the slightest girlish touch.

With my spirits re-lifted I headed back out to the park and ride to kill sometime before I had to catch the bus to meet Aaron. While cutting through JC Penney I stopped at a table displaying a fairly attractive pair of jeans, and couldn't keep myself from trying them on. Normally I HATE trying on clothing, but I was a little excited this time. So I grabbed a pair off the table, and went to try them on. Only to find they fit perfectly and also happened to be a size smaller than I normally wear. And to top it all off, I got to spend the rest of the night with Aaron. It was great.

Then of course there was yesterday. Got off 3 hours early again and spent the rest of the day with Jessica, walking around Downtown, having dinner at Pacific Place, and then heading up north for a movie at the new Cinebarre. It was pretty cool. We went and saw All About Steve, which was cute and kind of funny. A good girls night type of movie. Afterwards we spent the ride home talking about how they could improve the feel of the bar, and all sorts of other unimportant things.

All in all the last few days have been relaxingly eventful.

Things I've seen today:

1. Two squirels carrying large pine cones.
2. 4 crows
3. Two cop cars in a big hurry.
4. My breath. (I think summer is officially over)

A Few of My Favorite Things

So I was at work today, looking around my desk and thinking to myself, what the heck am I gonna blog about tonight. The best thing I could think of was this... a photo blog.

Here are a few of my favorite things:

Favorite beardless photo of Aaron:


Favorite bearded, semi-candid photo of Aaron:



Favorite Canadian candy/mint:



Favorite work pass-times:



Favorite $3.50 spent on a bake sale:



Favorite Chap Stick types (the name brand of course):



Favorite Bath & Body Works product:



Favorite inconspicuous trash can:



Favorite things made for me by work friends:



A few of my favorite books:



Favorite picture of Christian Bale:



Favorite 'Beardicide' picture taken on my camera:



Favorite glimpse of my future:



Favorite (non-relative) photo of a child:



Favorite lazy day beach:



Favorite picture ever taken while wishing I were somewhere else:

Love, Me

I walked home slowly today, pondering life, and reality. Somehow riding that particular bus makes this life feel more like my own. Maybe it's the size, or the comfort of the seats, or the fact that I can recline more easily. Whatever the case, it's mine.
I walked, watching the trees go by and imagining what the world looked like before we tore up its roots and planted our own molten soil. Looking up into the fading light and feeling the warmth sooth my soul.
My mind is like the earth, revolving. No matter if I wanted to stop it, it always returns to you.
Casually walking, I think to myself how comfortable I am. Nothing in this life is wrong, least of all you. Daily I see myself coming home. Not to the house I currently occupy, but to an unknown, familiar place. These are my dreams, both day and night.



Today was a pretty uneventful day. I went to work, came home and have spent the last hour or so trying to be creative (see above). It's alright, I just lose my flow after a bit, I think I've finally learned to let it go when I can't make it sound right anymore though. That's good.

I'm so unbelievably tired. Not exactly physically tired, but more just burned out, almost. I've been so busy doing so many different things lately, I feel like I don't have time to relax. But as much as I've been saying that for the past few days, I'm not slowing down. Tomorrow only marks the umpteenth time I should be staying home and relaxing, but am instead going to be social. I can't help but get caught up in the moment, and then wish I had said "maybe" instead of "oh heck yes, I'll be there!". I don't feel like I can back out of things anymore. So, I'm going.

I'm not upset that I'm going out tomorrow night, just wondering when I'm going to get to all those things I need to do done. Like giving the dog a bath, and doing some laundry (which better freaking be done tonight... I need to do that now... done). But you get the picture, right? Busy busy busy!! :P

Speaking of which I need to get to bed, I gotta get up for work in the morning.. oh my life, so full of stuffs! :)

NIGHT!

Enter witty title here.

So, that party last night, turned out to be just Leach, Rich, Jeremy, Aaron and I. Not nearly as huge and raging as I thought it would be. Which sucks a little for Leach, but it made the setting a lot more comfortable.

Basically, it wasn't all bad!

Warning: Sap ahead!

Spending time with Aaron keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. Its not that he does anything particularly cute or anything, its just the fact he's around, I think. I told him last night that I love him now more than I did 3 weeks ago. He asked me why. Its because I've seen him so much, and I remember that I like him, a lot, which proves to me that I love him, not just the thought of him. Semi-big breakthrough for me. Mostly because I worry sometimes if my love for him is real or not. It is.

/sap

I stayed up way too late last night, and now I'm super tired and on my way to work. I wanted so desperately to crawl back in bed and call out today, but I held back. I concluded to suck it up and drink a lot of coffee. Maybe my friend Skyler can keep me awake, hopefully.

Gotta catch the bus! Later!

It's 9:07pm and I have work tomorrow. Normally I'd be crawling into bed to watch an episode or two of Doctor Who before passing out. But, alas, not tonight. I am instead raging through my poor excuse of a wardrobe trying to find something to wear to my friends 24 birthday party. And when I say poor, I mean like, really really poor. I have absolutely NO attractive clothing worth wearing to a birthday party, even if the birthday party is being held at my friends bachelor pad of an apartment. I'm seriously freaking out right now. Why do I suck so much at shopping for cute clothing? Ugh!

I wasn't even gonna go to this party. All day I've just felt like coming home, snuggling up in a blanket and watching a movie with Aaron. Instead I'm being dragged, giftless, to a birthday party that's only going to be full of drunk people that I don't know, and probably wouldn't like even if I did. Then again, maybe I'm just being pessimistic... probably not.


I have been ridiculously spoiled by Aaron this week though. He texted me randomly at work on Tuesday to come over and help him shave his beard (see previous post for dramatic transformation), which is not normal. Then he pre-planned a couples night with the Weifords on Wednesday (Wednesday with the Weifords, that's got a ring to it), and now I'm going to see him again tonight. If I didn't relish every second I spent with Aaron, then I probably wouldn't be going to that party tonight, especially considering I then have to wake myself up in the morning for work. At least tomorrow is my "Friday".

Things have been too good with Aaron lately. I keep waiting for them to get crappy again. Our relationship seems to just work that way. We'll be really, ridiculously, happy and cute, then he'll just get super busy and be gone a lot, and I get all depressed and feel rejected. Then he'll come back from whatever world it is he lives in half the time and be all cute and just the right amount of clingy again. It's a weird cycle, but I guess it works for us (though we all know I like the 'just-the-right-amount-of-clingy' more than the 'am-I-gonna-see-you-again-in-my-lifetime?').

I can't help thinking about marrying him, but it's always stronger when we hang out with the Weifords. It's like I see my future walking around in front of me, but I can't keep it. I can't stay in the future, I have to endure the present first. It's frustrating, to say the least, but I've got to let it go, I've got to let him work it out for himself. No matter what I say, he's gonna take his time to get to the place I'm in (and he's always late, let me tell you what).

It's not that I'm looking forward to the wedding, and the honeymoon, and the flowers, dresses, vows, flower girl, gifts, people, wedding, church, etc. It's that I can't wait for the mundane everyday. The coming home to him at night, and waking up with him each morning. It's the planning a family and watching our children grow. The getting old and still holding hands. Maybe even the matching sweat suits, who knows. I just can't see myself married to anyone else. I can't see myself loving anyone else. I'm 22 years old, I've got plenty of life left, but this, this marriage thing, tugs at my heart and mind daily. It's irrepressible. I can't walk down the street, or ride the bus, or work, or move, or breath without somehow connecting it to him. And just thinking about him makes me think about how happy he makes me, and how much I want to be that happy everyday. BLEGH! Shut up, Laura!

Any way, I'm supposed to be leaving in 20 minutes and I still don't have real clothes on. Maybe I'll just wear my p.j.s, you think that would be acceptable? Didn't think so. Gah. Alright, I'm gonna dredge something up out of my closet. Hopefully this is worth it.

Wow, it's only 4:36 in the afternoon and I'm already pooped!

My sister came over this morning with her two girls and a friend of theirs and we played at my grandma's, their 'Nana's' house for a few hours then went back home. There wasn't anything in particular that made me tired, it's just something about spending time with three children under the age of 7 that wears you out after a while. (Probably doesn't help that I was up till 1am this morning.)

I had good reason to be up so late, however. See, my boyfriend has been growing a beard on and off for the last 3 years. Needless to say it was about 8-10 inches long and extremely bushy. Well, he had a talk with one of his managers about a month ago about it and was advised that one of the regional managers felt it was too long and inappropriate for work. So, he was given a choice, trim the beard, or get rid of it entirely. He decided that if he had to get rid of it, he was gonna do it all the way. So, we spent an hour or so shaving off the beard.

Let me show you the dramatic transformation...


He went from this:


To this:
So, yeah, BIG difference. I told him after it was gone that he looked like a different person. And he does, sort of. It's just that I haven't seen him without facial hair for at least 5 years, and he's had the full beard for 3. It's just that he grew up while he had the beard and he doesn't look like a little boy anymore. Even without the facial hair he looks like a man. I like it a lot, I just have to get used to it. I sent him a really sappy sweet text last night explaining why I was acting weird on the way home after he shaved it off. But I'll spare you the girly details.

Any way, now I'm waiting around for him to get here so that we can go have dinner with some friends. Ah, what a busy day off. Well at least I'm loved, yeah?! Mhmm!

Having not written in almost a month, I'm sure there is a million things I could have talked about, but just didn't take the time to document them. Well, that stops today. I think. For now? Ugh I hate not blogging, but I can't make myself do it.... /whining.

Now I could write about my day yesterday, but frankly I just tried, and I failed at being even remotely interesting... So to move on, I'm just gonna take Hayley's advice and fill out the survey she posted on her page.

1. What author do you own the most books by?

I thought for a second it was a tie between C.S. Lewis and J.K. Rowling, simply because HP and The Chronicles have the same number of books. But then I've realized that I own more than just The Chronicles of Narina by C.S. Lewis, so simply because he has written more books C.S. Lewis is my answer.

2. What book do you own the most copies of?
Rebel Angels (2) and Crime and Punishment (2), dunno why I have two copies of Crime and Punishment, but I have to copies of Rebel Angels because Amazon didn't register I had ordered it already, until I put in a new order for it. Ugh, that was joint stupidness on both our parts.

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
Honestly I didn't notice, but that's because it was just to easy to answer, I think....?

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
Books: Mr. Darcy, Jacob Black (ugh you said secretly, but I'm really pretty much over Twilight at this point), Ron Weasley, and uh, I need someone actually interesting.... so uhhhhhh... uhhh... wow, I fail at being interesting. Movies: 'The Doctor' aka Doctor Who, Mr Darcy (I do love movies made from books), and well can I say Ronald Weasley again, because, frankly, Rupert Grint is freaking adorable.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?
The Secret Garden (so many times I've lost count), and The full series of the Chronicles of Narnia (at least 3 times)

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
I think it was PS Longer Letter Later, but I might have been like 11 or 12 then, can't really remember.

7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?
Sorry avid Twilight fans, but I detested Wuthering Heights, the characters are obnoxious and I was forced to read about 2 generations of them. Gah. And of course, Breaking Dawn was pretty horrible, I laughed through 80% of it and was pissed the other 20%.

8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?
I think it's a toss up between Bram Stoker's Dracula and Franny and Zooey. I've read Catcher in the Rye and I liked it, except that it seemed to start and end rather abruptly, but Franny and Zooey blew me away, I loved it. I'm definitely not kicking myself that I gave J.D. Salinger another chance. Oh and how could I forget The Book Thief, Markus Zusak wrote that book just for me I think. :)

9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
"J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zooey. It contains my soul." I love this quote from Hayley, I feel a bit more interesting knowing that she enjoys that book as much as I do. But The Book Thief by Markus Zusak is high on my list as well.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
I think a book being made into a movie is bitter sweet, because you run the risk of your favorite part being omitted. For example, the very end of Prince Caspian where Aslan runs through the valley with Susan, Lucy and the trees, and so on. I was so very excited to see them make that scene, but they didn't, and it made the movie worse for me (I was pissed 10 minutes into the movie, anyway, but that could have potentially fixed it).
But I am pretty excited for Paper Towns


In case you're interested, I just killed a HUGE spider! UGH!


11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
Any book where the screen writer pulls a "Prince Caspian". By that I mean, makes the characters nothing like they really are and changes everything but the very basics of the story.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
You're gonna try to make me admit to that... I don't think so.

13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?
Probably the Twilight Series.

14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?
The Piano Tuner, and not because it was a hard book to read, but mostly because I really was NOT interested, but I'm pretty much a stickler about finishing books that I start.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?
Well, the only one I could call obscure would be a school's fifties rendition of A Midsummer Night's Dream, so mix Grease and Midsummer and there you are.

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
Oh goodness, I have no idea.

17. Roth or Updike?
I'm lame enough to say I have not experienced either.

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
Uh, again, let me repeat, I have not read either.

19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
Shakespeare.

20. Austen or Eliot?
I absolutely adore Austen.

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?
Um, how about most of it. If I can ever get my head out of the Harry Potter reading level, then I'll let you know.

22. What is your favorite novel?
I've always loved The Secret Garden, but I have definitely fallen in love with The Book Thief. I love to read about WWII as morbid and depressing as it is, it's fascinating to me.

23. Play?
Midsummer Night's Dream. Of course, I haven't really seen any main stream plays, mostly just school musicals and the like. (However I did see Wicked when I was in NY and it was amazing, but I don't know if a musical counts as a play, in my book it doesn't.)

24. Poem?
I haven't read enough. I am somehow not much of a poem person.

25. Essay?
Oh gosh, if I could remember the name of the last one I read and did not also write, I would tell you.

26. Work of nonfiction?
The Revolution. A Manifesto. By Ron Paul. That guy is ridiculously intelligent once you get past his weird little quirks.

27. Who is your favorite writer?
I'm gonna say either Markus Zusak or Jane Austen, very different, but both very good.

28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
"Sigh. I'd rather avoid the drama. Chances are, you know my answer to this question already. If you agree, bite your lower lip and smile to yourself. If you disagree, put down the pitchfork; it's an opinion. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably better for it." Oh Hayley, how could anyone put it better??

29. What is your desert island book?
Honestly, I think I would have to say Franny and Zooey. I could read that book over and over again.

30. And... what are you reading right now?
13 Bullets by David Wellington (I have this thing with evil vampires ever since reading Bram Stoker's Dracula), Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger (again).


Well that tested my knowledge, and I think it was totally worth it. There's so much literature out there, and I've read so little. I need to work on that. I should go back to the '1001 books you should read before you die' list and start picking a few off. Even though I think I've read at least 20 of them already. Wow, long way to go, yeah?

I can barely believe how tired I've been lately. I realize that the problem is rooted in the fact that I didn't go to bed until 2am on Tuesday night, and woke up the next morning at 6am, and haven't had a full nights sleep since. But seriously! Ugh.

Hot hot hot....

The weather around Seattle has been unbearable the last few days. I cannot believe it has become so swelteringly hot! I'm dreading tomorrow, it's supposed to get up into the hundreds. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for the fact that it's not just hot, it's humid. Yuck.

In other news, last May I gave myself a goal of reading 50 books in one year, which I accomplished. It was really cool to know that I could read so much in such a short time. By the end I had actually read 57 books, which averages a little more than a book a week. So just after I finished my 57th book a friend of mine came up to me and requested we have a read off to see who could read the most books in a year. Well, I was like, alright, sure, why not.... Well, frankly I couldn't really care about reading as fast as I can anymore. After having read 50 books I was pretty darn content with myself, and I just can't seem to force myself to read more books. I mean I've read some good ones since we started, like Dracula by Bram Stoker, amazing book by the way. But I just have gotten so apathetic about books. Well, most books. To be honest, I've been throwing around the idea of reading the Bible all the way through, and tried to start in the New Testament, because I've heard that's the easiest way to accomplish it, but I found it really hard to get through Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, seeing as they all explain most of the same events. So I'm going about it a different way. I'm going to read back and forth. For ever few Old Testament books I'm going to read one New Testament book. I feel like this way I'm getting a little of both and I'm not overwhelming myself with the Gospels.

So far the Bible reading is going really well. I've attempted this same thing before and after one night of staying up late and reading I've become apathetic. But for the last few days I've been put putting my way through Genesis and I'm really enjoying it. I feel like I'm reading with a purpose.

I still don't know what to do about Lindsay, but the subject, after having spilled my guts the other night, seems to be free from my mind. I don't know if the Lord just needs me to relax and not worry, but I've been pretty content about it. For a while Lindsay and I were still Myspace friends, she deleted me from Facebook immediately, but just recently she deleted me on Myspace too. I'm not really worried about this, more happy that I'm not opening my Myspace and wondering what she's posted as a status update. I don't like dwelling, and her deleting me has actually helped rather than hindered.

Things with Aaron have been good. I was a little bummed to learn that he had the night off and was planning on swimming with friends of his, instead of hanging out with me. But I realized how ridiculous that was and got over it pretty quick. I almost wanted him to invite me, but at the same time I was thinking to myself that there were going to be tons of people swimming and I just didn't want to deal with it. Ha. He did say we'd see each other tomorrow when he gets off work. The way he said it had an air of "duh" mixed in with it. Ha. It surprised me a little, but I also found it rather funny.

Work was good today, I was really enjoying the A/C and I feel like I'm going to miss it tomorrow. It's supposed to get up into the 100's and I have nothing to keep me cool, but a fan that's blowing warm air. I suppose the Lord will keep me cool though, yes Lord?!

Just gonna close tonight with a prayer that tomorrow will not be as miserable as I'm expecting it to be, and that the Lord will keep my Grandma, my dog, and I healthy even through the heat. Also I'm gonna thank the Lord that this Blogger auto saves, because I would have just lost this entire blog. (Seems lame, but I really would not have wanted to write it all over again!)

Night all!

So, I thoroughly failed at blogging every day, but then, I have a really hard time starting habits and an even harder time breaking them. However, after having gone back and read my old blogs I've been inspired to write them again. And though before I've been avoiding names, I think it's alright to use them now because those people don't read these blogs. And even if they did, I hope that they will understand where I am coming from and that though I felt that way then, I may not feel the same now. (Though, I still do feel similarly about one.)

Let me explain. The friend that I have had so much trouble with, and have discussed most often in these blogs has been Lindsay. (The other is Leah, however, our friendship has begun to blossom, and I praise God for that.) Lindsay and I became friends in the 2nd grade, and though there were years that our friendship wavered, we became really close near the end of high school. Looking back I see that the hardest hurdle our friendship has to overcome is the way we have grown up. I have felt more settled and content in being happy with my family and my friends, and never felt the need to give in to too many worldly affairs or needs, but Lindsay has really begun to live the "21 and over" lifestyle.

Though sometimes I feel like Lindsay really wants to change, it never seems like she succeeds. And I don't know now if that is in part because of me. Not that I am so important as to be able to change the world, only through God's grace can we achieve change, but I feel like I have been so weak. By that I mean that when she has said or done things that I know she should not say or do, I am too afraid to speak up and tell her the truth. That's not a real friend. But my reasons for do so are because I knew that if I told her how I feel she would just be angry and resentful. I never wanted to cause friction, and that seriously damaged my attempts at help.

Fairly recently Lindsay and I have stopped speaking to one another. The reason for that lies in a dinner we had together just a while back. It must have been a few months ago that she called me and asked me to come have dinner with her. I was delighted, I hadn't seen her in a while and I wanted to see how she was getting along. Now, I think it's important to mention here that Leah had been eager to get the chance to sit down and have a serious talk with Lindsay. They had been having quite a few troubles and she wanted to try and resolve some of the differences between them. So far, Lindsay had been avoiding this conversation and was feeling a bit overwhelmed by Leah. They had made the decision to speak to one another about a week before Lindsay and I went out to dinner. So when I got a text message from Leah asking if I had seen Lindsay lately, I responded that I was having dinner with her right then. Well, apparently this was the exact wrong thing to say because just a few seconds after I sent that text message Lindsay advised me that she was supposed to be with Leah having the all important discussion at that very moment, but that she just didn't want to deal with Leah "acting like [her] mom." So, of course I received a text message back from Leah, very upset that Lindsay would disregard something she felt was so important. Now, normally this would just make me feel little uneasy and guilty, because, again, I don't like to cause friction with Lindsay, however in this particular instance it just upset me. Leah was trying so hard to help Lindsay and to be there for her as a true friend should, and Lindsay so easily shrugged it off. As you may expect, Leah sent Lindsay a text message explaining that she was very upset she would do such a thing and Lindsay got a bit upset with me. Well that made things difficult, but I decided this time to stand up for once. I didn't say anything specific to why Leah was upset, but as I was receiving text messages from Leah stating that I was allowed to disclose any information about why she was upset with Lindsay, the fore mentioned asked me if I was still receiving texts from her. I answered "Yes, and she's really pissed." Lindsay remained quiet after that and didn't say much else. However I couldn't let myself waste this opportunity to state my mind, just because she would not start the fire. So I also said "Well, I don't really blame her." Though this didn't invoke a response from her, I could tell she was angry and the rest of the dinner as well as the car ride home was tense and silent. So, to this day we still have not spoken.

The only regret I now have from that day is simply that I did not say more. I had begun to crack the wall I had so readily put up in the past, but I wasn't quite ready to completely watch it fall. I would have liked to have told her my reasons for being upset with her, and that it wasn't so much that I was taking Leah's side, because like I've stated before, I'm more of a mitigator than a fighter, but that I felt if she treated one friend so poorly who was to say she wasn't treating me exactly the same. I knew for a fact at this point that she would talk about me in a similar way behind my back the way she talked about Leah. And I should have known that always, because she has spoken poorly to me of every friend she's ever had. I don't know why this particular situation burst my tolerance, but it did. I couldn't handle being an object of convenience to her anymore. I have felt, as you know, that way for sometime, but this somehow became the last straw.

So, to this very day there has been silence between us, and though I do think of her often and of how I should correctly handle her returning to try and regain a friendship, I am not sure I should expect to hear from her. I need to spend some time in prayer, because I know the Lord says to "turn the other cheek", but at the same time he tells us to cut off the dead branches preventing us from bearing our spiritual fruits. I have intentionally severed only one friendship before, and though that was the right choice for me at the time, I'm still not sure how God wants me to handle this friendship.

On a happier note, as I mentioned before, Leah and I have become a lot closer in the past couple of months. She recently moved not a 15 minute walk from my house, and I have been exceedingly blessed by her. She is a truly amazing girl. Though we don't always agree, I have a feeling she will be a good influence on my spiritual growth. Of which a hunger and desire has regained a hold on my life.

As for Aaron and I, things have never been better. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and after a very serious and painful discussion a few nights ago, I feel that our relationship is only going to get sweeter. The Lord has heard our prayers and is beginning to bless our relationship in a way we have been preventing for it's entirety.

Just a quick prayer tonight that the Lord would show me which path to take with Lindsay. And a continued blessing on both my friendship with Leah and my relationship with Aaron. As well, a quick prayer for Melanie, a friend of Esten's that needs a little push and a softened heart from her parents. Lord, give Melanie the strength and courage necessary to confront her parents and give them a softening heart and open mind to understand that she needs to be able to make decisions for herself. Lord that you would find any means necessary for Melanie to become closer to you. In Your name. Amen

Goodnight, all.

May 9th

I have a ton of backed up blogs that I need to post. They're all saved currently on my computer in a word document because my internet didn't want to load. Ugh, what else is new right? I'll load them later tonight, when I get the chance. :)

Today was a pretty chill day. Work wasn't nearly as crazy slow as yesterday, but it was still definitely a weekend vibe. As much as I hate working saturdays, its a bitter sweet business. Getting up at 4am on a saturday isn't fun unless its christmas, so that sucks, but having our easy going supervisors being the only ones around is a joy. Its all smiles on most saturdays. Course the bus I have to take sucks, its always full and smells bad, not to mention it takes twice as long as the bus I take during the week. But all things aside, I don't mind having a weekday off either. We're doing a shift change next month, and I put in for a mon-fri shift, but chances are I won't get it. I'm definitely crossing my fingers though. All I can do is pray about it and see what happens, right?!

Aaron left for california yesterday, and I'm kinda bummed about that, partly because I can't go with him.:P
Its good though, if any thing I need to get used to not seeing him. Once he goes on tour I'm gonna be without him for months at a time, but seperation makes the heart grow fonder. Right?! Right.

May 4th

Today was a really strange day. Not that anything abnormal happened, but more that it went really quickly, but not as quickly as I would have liked.

I don't know what to do about my friend, and I'm feeling really apathetic again. I tried to talk to her yesterday, like I said I was going to, but the truth is she was so preoccupied by the other things she needed to get done. I'm pretty sure when she said she wanted to talk to me about the problems she's been having with my other friend, what she really wanted was for me to listen and agree. Unfortunately I wasn't ready to do that for her. I explained to her how our friend feels and why she said the things she did, and why she does the things she does, but she didn't want to hear it.

I'm too apathetic, and unnecessarily upset to finish this. Just know that I try, and even though I try it doesn't always work out. fjiew;ueiple

This blog sucks!

May 3rd

I've realized a lot about myself today. And it reflects on the entry I posted on the 1st of May.

I think I've been too harsh on my friends. I need to check what frustrations I let out before I have prayed about it. I love my friends, and even if I feel that they may not quite return the amount of care I have for them, it is important for me to love them anyway. I've had the opportunity to speak with one of those friends today, and I'm hoping the things I have said to her make her understand me better. We've got some pretty similar views and some very different views, but none the less I don't feel I have to filter my thoughts with her. I can be honest with her, and that's a good feeling.

I have not yet had the chance to talk to the other, I'm actually currently waiting for her to get to my house so I can sit down and talk with her. I'm just praying that the Lord will give me the words to explain to her how I feel. I'm truly concerned about her. And I've strongly felt today that my apathy is the wrong path. I need to care about her, I need to endure pain, and hardship from her and with her, because that's what Christ did for me. I want to show her God's love, and I can't do that if I am letting her walk into situations that I know are going to hurt her. I'll update about that conversation tomorrow. Or post later.

Aaron and I went to Mars Hill again this morning. I am so excited about this place. I have wanted for so long to have a church where I can feel God's presence every Sunday. And it's not at all that I feel my normal church is unGodly, or that they could not inspire me to feel God's presence, it's just that I have become hardened and for some reason Pastor Mark is busting through that wall. To be true, Robin Hadfield is an amazing guy, and he loves the Lord, and is there to do what God has called him to do, but I don't think he's quite touching my core, and I am hungry. Mars Hill is satisfying that hunger, and in fact, making me strive more for the relationship with Christ that I have had in the past and have been so in need of as of late.

I would just ask that you pray that I have the strength to speak honestly and openly with my friend. And pray that my relationship with Christ will only continue to grow, and that my thirst will be quenched, my hunger satisfied. Also pray that I can continue to practice self control, and master my pride. Thank you.

May 2nd

I'm like 30 pages from finishing Emma and my grandma just stole the book from me!!! I had to sacrafice it so I could watch Harry Potter! Where do my alliances truly lie? I'm a bit ashamed, I must.admit!

So now I'm sitting here watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and enjoying it most thoroughly, but also wondering what's going to happen between Emma and Mr. Knightly. And what about Hariett, when the heck is she going to marry Mr. Martin, because, frankly, I've seen Clueless, I know how this story goes. And also suddenly thinking of the significance of the name "Knightly", hm.

On my way home from work today I managed to get half way to my house when it started pouring down rain! Now normally, like any other person, I would have pulled out my umbrella, but for some reason, it was so humid and it smelled so good, that I couldn't bring myself to block out the rain. It was probably one of the best walks I've had in a long time.

Oh and with just a few unsuspected words, I've come to realize he really loves me. And that makes my life!

May 1st

Okay, so BEDM is not quite as catchy as BEDA, but frankly I didn't catch on to the trend until after April started so, I'm going to try blogging every day in May. Starting with today.

Today was the most beautiful day, 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky! I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was. Of course I worked all day, then came home, had dinner and am now sitting here, over an hour after I should have been in bed, writing a blog, because I said I would do BEDM, I'm insane.

I've begun to realize a lot about my friends lately. Or at least about those who I call my friends, and what I believe 'friendship' to mean. And it's never quite an exciting day when you have to dissect the reasons your friends do the crappy stuff they do. Or when you have to admit that you have become rather apathetic to their problems, because frankly whether or not you care hasn't made a difference to them for years.

When two specific friends of mine have problems, I'm there to listen. If they are problems with one another I listen and take a level ground, trying to explain to one the reasoning of the other. But frankly, as long as I'm not swayed by either party (which happens on rare occasion), I could be just as easily on the sidelines not listening to either person at all. Not that I don't care about my friends, I have learned over the 10 years we've known each other, that not accepting the fact that all I can do is give advice, and hope they heed it, is only going to stress me out.

It's pointless to try sometimes. Where one is willing to listen, we don't speak enough to keep each other accountable, and the other is not at all willing to take anything that is against her current views (which have a tendency to change from hour to hour).

Thinking of these two particular friends makes me begin to wonder what the word 'friendship' really means. The third dictionary.com definition result says this:

Friendship

Friend"ship\, n. [AS. fre['o]ndscipe. See Friend, and -ship.]
1. The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will.
2. Kindly aid; help; assistance, [Obs.]
3. Aptness to unite; conformity; affinity; harmony; correspondence. [Obs.]


And I can't begin to comprehend what a friendship like that would look like with these two friends. I definitely don't feel "affection arising from mutual esteem and good will" when talking with the one. I feel more that she has me as a friend of convenience, rather than a friend of "good will" and "mutual esteem". In fact we've got some pretty different views on most things. However, these other views are not something I would be able to share with her, because, frankly, she doesn't want to hear them.

As for 'kindly aid; help; assistance", honestly, I would rather talk with Aaron, or my sister when I was having real problems. For one reason because I know that they will listen, where as one 'friend' will not, and also because I know I feel completely comforted and rightly judged by them. Something I just don't feel from her. But then who is one to worry too much about those they call friends? Was not Jesus one to walk with sinners? And as for me, "let he without sin cast the first stone." I think I need to get my priorities in order. Maybe that's my problem.

One year

So, after seeing Aaron last night, I've got some things to think about. Sometimes that boy shocks me, really throws me for a loop. Not a bad thing, of course, but last night was one of those moments when he pulled something on me unexpectedly. I'm not really going to go into what happened, other than we talked about some stuff we both felt needed to be discussed, and has been, regretfully, neglected for some time. It was definitely an answer to prayer, the things that were said. So long I have been praying about what I can possibly do to change the situation in my life. But the answer, I felt, was elluding me. Truth is, it has been in front of me the whole time, but I've been overlooking it, thinking it couldn't be that easy, or that hard. So, last night was a sudden, but welcome, wake up call for me. I've had the answer all along, I just haven't had the strength to hold on to it! Probably because I was trying to accomplish within my own strength, and without consulting Aaron. See, most things in relationships need to be understood by both parties involved and when you have a disconnect it makes things harder. Especially when the goal you are striving for requires both parties to be conscious of that goal. And the more I have thought these things over, the more alone I feel in hoping for a certain outcome. So, hearing voiced all these thoughts and concerns from Aaron was shocking, but relieving. Therefor, I've set a goal for myself. I've felt very comforted for the past few months by a thought as simple as "one year", I didn't know what that exactly meant, but it has filled me with peace. So, that's my goal, one year. I know that doesn't explain a lot to you, but it means the world to me and it gives me a place to set my sights. Let's see where God will take me!