So, I thoroughly failed at blogging every day, but then, I have a really hard time starting habits and an even harder time breaking them. However, after having gone back and read my old blogs I've been inspired to write them again. And though before I've been avoiding names, I think it's alright to use them now because those people don't read these blogs. And even if they did, I hope that they will understand where I am coming from and that though I felt that way then, I may not feel the same now. (Though, I still do feel similarly about one.)

Let me explain. The friend that I have had so much trouble with, and have discussed most often in these blogs has been Lindsay. (The other is Leah, however, our friendship has begun to blossom, and I praise God for that.) Lindsay and I became friends in the 2nd grade, and though there were years that our friendship wavered, we became really close near the end of high school. Looking back I see that the hardest hurdle our friendship has to overcome is the way we have grown up. I have felt more settled and content in being happy with my family and my friends, and never felt the need to give in to too many worldly affairs or needs, but Lindsay has really begun to live the "21 and over" lifestyle.

Though sometimes I feel like Lindsay really wants to change, it never seems like she succeeds. And I don't know now if that is in part because of me. Not that I am so important as to be able to change the world, only through God's grace can we achieve change, but I feel like I have been so weak. By that I mean that when she has said or done things that I know she should not say or do, I am too afraid to speak up and tell her the truth. That's not a real friend. But my reasons for do so are because I knew that if I told her how I feel she would just be angry and resentful. I never wanted to cause friction, and that seriously damaged my attempts at help.

Fairly recently Lindsay and I have stopped speaking to one another. The reason for that lies in a dinner we had together just a while back. It must have been a few months ago that she called me and asked me to come have dinner with her. I was delighted, I hadn't seen her in a while and I wanted to see how she was getting along. Now, I think it's important to mention here that Leah had been eager to get the chance to sit down and have a serious talk with Lindsay. They had been having quite a few troubles and she wanted to try and resolve some of the differences between them. So far, Lindsay had been avoiding this conversation and was feeling a bit overwhelmed by Leah. They had made the decision to speak to one another about a week before Lindsay and I went out to dinner. So when I got a text message from Leah asking if I had seen Lindsay lately, I responded that I was having dinner with her right then. Well, apparently this was the exact wrong thing to say because just a few seconds after I sent that text message Lindsay advised me that she was supposed to be with Leah having the all important discussion at that very moment, but that she just didn't want to deal with Leah "acting like [her] mom." So, of course I received a text message back from Leah, very upset that Lindsay would disregard something she felt was so important. Now, normally this would just make me feel little uneasy and guilty, because, again, I don't like to cause friction with Lindsay, however in this particular instance it just upset me. Leah was trying so hard to help Lindsay and to be there for her as a true friend should, and Lindsay so easily shrugged it off. As you may expect, Leah sent Lindsay a text message explaining that she was very upset she would do such a thing and Lindsay got a bit upset with me. Well that made things difficult, but I decided this time to stand up for once. I didn't say anything specific to why Leah was upset, but as I was receiving text messages from Leah stating that I was allowed to disclose any information about why she was upset with Lindsay, the fore mentioned asked me if I was still receiving texts from her. I answered "Yes, and she's really pissed." Lindsay remained quiet after that and didn't say much else. However I couldn't let myself waste this opportunity to state my mind, just because she would not start the fire. So I also said "Well, I don't really blame her." Though this didn't invoke a response from her, I could tell she was angry and the rest of the dinner as well as the car ride home was tense and silent. So, to this day we still have not spoken.

The only regret I now have from that day is simply that I did not say more. I had begun to crack the wall I had so readily put up in the past, but I wasn't quite ready to completely watch it fall. I would have liked to have told her my reasons for being upset with her, and that it wasn't so much that I was taking Leah's side, because like I've stated before, I'm more of a mitigator than a fighter, but that I felt if she treated one friend so poorly who was to say she wasn't treating me exactly the same. I knew for a fact at this point that she would talk about me in a similar way behind my back the way she talked about Leah. And I should have known that always, because she has spoken poorly to me of every friend she's ever had. I don't know why this particular situation burst my tolerance, but it did. I couldn't handle being an object of convenience to her anymore. I have felt, as you know, that way for sometime, but this somehow became the last straw.

So, to this very day there has been silence between us, and though I do think of her often and of how I should correctly handle her returning to try and regain a friendship, I am not sure I should expect to hear from her. I need to spend some time in prayer, because I know the Lord says to "turn the other cheek", but at the same time he tells us to cut off the dead branches preventing us from bearing our spiritual fruits. I have intentionally severed only one friendship before, and though that was the right choice for me at the time, I'm still not sure how God wants me to handle this friendship.

On a happier note, as I mentioned before, Leah and I have become a lot closer in the past couple of months. She recently moved not a 15 minute walk from my house, and I have been exceedingly blessed by her. She is a truly amazing girl. Though we don't always agree, I have a feeling she will be a good influence on my spiritual growth. Of which a hunger and desire has regained a hold on my life.

As for Aaron and I, things have never been better. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and after a very serious and painful discussion a few nights ago, I feel that our relationship is only going to get sweeter. The Lord has heard our prayers and is beginning to bless our relationship in a way we have been preventing for it's entirety.

Just a quick prayer tonight that the Lord would show me which path to take with Lindsay. And a continued blessing on both my friendship with Leah and my relationship with Aaron. As well, a quick prayer for Melanie, a friend of Esten's that needs a little push and a softened heart from her parents. Lord, give Melanie the strength and courage necessary to confront her parents and give them a softening heart and open mind to understand that she needs to be able to make decisions for herself. Lord that you would find any means necessary for Melanie to become closer to you. In Your name. Amen

Goodnight, all.