May 1st

Okay, so BEDM is not quite as catchy as BEDA, but frankly I didn't catch on to the trend until after April started so, I'm going to try blogging every day in May. Starting with today.

Today was the most beautiful day, 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky! I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was. Of course I worked all day, then came home, had dinner and am now sitting here, over an hour after I should have been in bed, writing a blog, because I said I would do BEDM, I'm insane.

I've begun to realize a lot about my friends lately. Or at least about those who I call my friends, and what I believe 'friendship' to mean. And it's never quite an exciting day when you have to dissect the reasons your friends do the crappy stuff they do. Or when you have to admit that you have become rather apathetic to their problems, because frankly whether or not you care hasn't made a difference to them for years.

When two specific friends of mine have problems, I'm there to listen. If they are problems with one another I listen and take a level ground, trying to explain to one the reasoning of the other. But frankly, as long as I'm not swayed by either party (which happens on rare occasion), I could be just as easily on the sidelines not listening to either person at all. Not that I don't care about my friends, I have learned over the 10 years we've known each other, that not accepting the fact that all I can do is give advice, and hope they heed it, is only going to stress me out.

It's pointless to try sometimes. Where one is willing to listen, we don't speak enough to keep each other accountable, and the other is not at all willing to take anything that is against her current views (which have a tendency to change from hour to hour).

Thinking of these two particular friends makes me begin to wonder what the word 'friendship' really means. The third dictionary.com definition result says this:

Friendship

Friend"ship\, n. [AS. fre['o]ndscipe. See Friend, and -ship.]
1. The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will.
2. Kindly aid; help; assistance, [Obs.]
3. Aptness to unite; conformity; affinity; harmony; correspondence. [Obs.]


And I can't begin to comprehend what a friendship like that would look like with these two friends. I definitely don't feel "affection arising from mutual esteem and good will" when talking with the one. I feel more that she has me as a friend of convenience, rather than a friend of "good will" and "mutual esteem". In fact we've got some pretty different views on most things. However, these other views are not something I would be able to share with her, because, frankly, she doesn't want to hear them.

As for 'kindly aid; help; assistance", honestly, I would rather talk with Aaron, or my sister when I was having real problems. For one reason because I know that they will listen, where as one 'friend' will not, and also because I know I feel completely comforted and rightly judged by them. Something I just don't feel from her. But then who is one to worry too much about those they call friends? Was not Jesus one to walk with sinners? And as for me, "let he without sin cast the first stone." I think I need to get my priorities in order. Maybe that's my problem.