It's 9:07pm and I have work tomorrow. Normally I'd be crawling into bed to watch an episode or two of Doctor Who before passing out. But, alas, not tonight. I am instead raging through my poor excuse of a wardrobe trying to find something to wear to my friends 24 birthday party. And when I say poor, I mean like, really really poor. I have absolutely NO attractive clothing worth wearing to a birthday party, even if the birthday party is being held at my friends bachelor pad of an apartment. I'm seriously freaking out right now. Why do I suck so much at shopping for cute clothing? Ugh!

I wasn't even gonna go to this party. All day I've just felt like coming home, snuggling up in a blanket and watching a movie with Aaron. Instead I'm being dragged, giftless, to a birthday party that's only going to be full of drunk people that I don't know, and probably wouldn't like even if I did. Then again, maybe I'm just being pessimistic... probably not.


I have been ridiculously spoiled by Aaron this week though. He texted me randomly at work on Tuesday to come over and help him shave his beard (see previous post for dramatic transformation), which is not normal. Then he pre-planned a couples night with the Weifords on Wednesday (Wednesday with the Weifords, that's got a ring to it), and now I'm going to see him again tonight. If I didn't relish every second I spent with Aaron, then I probably wouldn't be going to that party tonight, especially considering I then have to wake myself up in the morning for work. At least tomorrow is my "Friday".

Things have been too good with Aaron lately. I keep waiting for them to get crappy again. Our relationship seems to just work that way. We'll be really, ridiculously, happy and cute, then he'll just get super busy and be gone a lot, and I get all depressed and feel rejected. Then he'll come back from whatever world it is he lives in half the time and be all cute and just the right amount of clingy again. It's a weird cycle, but I guess it works for us (though we all know I like the 'just-the-right-amount-of-clingy' more than the 'am-I-gonna-see-you-again-in-my-lifetime?').

I can't help thinking about marrying him, but it's always stronger when we hang out with the Weifords. It's like I see my future walking around in front of me, but I can't keep it. I can't stay in the future, I have to endure the present first. It's frustrating, to say the least, but I've got to let it go, I've got to let him work it out for himself. No matter what I say, he's gonna take his time to get to the place I'm in (and he's always late, let me tell you what).

It's not that I'm looking forward to the wedding, and the honeymoon, and the flowers, dresses, vows, flower girl, gifts, people, wedding, church, etc. It's that I can't wait for the mundane everyday. The coming home to him at night, and waking up with him each morning. It's the planning a family and watching our children grow. The getting old and still holding hands. Maybe even the matching sweat suits, who knows. I just can't see myself married to anyone else. I can't see myself loving anyone else. I'm 22 years old, I've got plenty of life left, but this, this marriage thing, tugs at my heart and mind daily. It's irrepressible. I can't walk down the street, or ride the bus, or work, or move, or breath without somehow connecting it to him. And just thinking about him makes me think about how happy he makes me, and how much I want to be that happy everyday. BLEGH! Shut up, Laura!

Any way, I'm supposed to be leaving in 20 minutes and I still don't have real clothes on. Maybe I'll just wear my p.j.s, you think that would be acceptable? Didn't think so. Gah. Alright, I'm gonna dredge something up out of my closet. Hopefully this is worth it.